


Doubt

by imbusysimping, Purple_Oreo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Cheating, Death, Depressed Oikawa Tooru, Depression, Everyone Needs A Hug, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Iwaizumi fucked up, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Oikawa Tooru Needs a Hug, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:34:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26654521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imbusysimping/pseuds/imbusysimping, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purple_Oreo/pseuds/Purple_Oreo
Summary: “Iwaizumi. Fuck you. I hope someone else can live up to your godly expectations. Or no, I hope you suffer all by yourself because no one should have to go through what you put me through. No one should have to be used like that. Like some goddamn sex toy you use for your own pleasure and discard when you feel like it. I’m fucking done.”
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Kudos: 66





	Doubt

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Purple_Oreo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purple_Oreo/gifts).



> Hellooo! This is actually not my story, one of my friends wrote it and they asked if I could publish it for them since they doesn't have an account. They worked hard on this and I really hope anyone who reads it loves it! 
> 
> Update: She got an account and its @Purple_Oreo ! Check her out please ;))

**_Scared of my own image._**  
Oikawa stared in the mirror at the mess he had become. The heavy bags under his red, stinging and puffy eyes. Hair that used to be well kept and beautiful now flopped down uselessly, dry and full of tangles. His mouth was dry like his cracked lips which were bleeding from biting them too much. His body was so skinny, you could see his rib cage and his wrists were as thing as those of a child. His sweat pants which were the only things he was wearing hung down low thanks to all the weight he lost and were threatening to become too loose to stay there if he continued like this.

 ** _Scared of my own immaturity._**  
He was childish. That’s what he was. Stubborn and needy and pouty and inconsiderate and selfish. He knew he was. He knew it and yet, he couldn’t do anything to stop it. He knew it, and he let it go on. He knew it, but he was too scared of himself to even try to stop it. That’s how immature he was. And he knew it.

 ** _Scared of my own ceiling._**  
The ceiling was dropping lower and lower. He could see it. Or was it a hallucination? Was he imagining it as an affect after so many sleepless nights and food-less days? A harsh laugh from his own mouth. _I’m such a piece of shit._ He had really fucked himself over this time.

 ** _Scared I’ll die of uncertainty._**  
How was Oikawa supposed to move on? He was the one who had pushed Iwa-Chan away. _What’s going to happen next?_ It was constantly reeling through his mind. The future was so uncertain. But if there’s one thing that was certain, Oikawa had messed up. He had doubted Iwa-Chan’s sincerity and hurt him. Hurt him beyond forgiveness. The conversation from 2 weeks ago ran through his head yet again.

 _“Iwa-Chan! I don’t want to be your fuck buddy. I have feelings you know? I actually loved you. If you didn’t love me back then why didn’t you just tell me? You know how much it_ hurts? _To think I gave my body, my love, my everything and some more to a bastard who didn’t even bother to tell me that he didn’t love me back. I’m sad that you didn’t love me but that’s not even the point here. You could have at least_ told me, _”_ Oikawa spat out the words with hate and misery. His eyes were overflowing and his knees were starting to give in. He collapsed onto the floor in Iwa-Chan’s bedroom, knees hitting the hard floor made of wood, and his head buried in his hands.

_Iwaizumi stared at him incredulously with a shocked expression that was full of hurt and confusion but also fear and anxiousness. Oikawa was staring at him through his fingers and watched as he opened and closed his mouth time and time again with no sound ever making its way out of his mouth. Torū picked himself up and wiped away the tears._

_“Iwaizumi. Fuck you. I hope someone else can live up to your godly expectations. Or no, I hope you suffer all by yourself because no one should have to go undergo what you put me through. No one should have to be used like that. Like some goddamn sex toy you use for your own pleasure and discard when you feel like it. I’m fucking done.”_ _He kept his face hard as he attempted at keeping the tears from brimming over the edge again._

 ** _Fear might be the death of me._**  
Oikawa’s life had slowly been dipping into insanity. He was enjoying life as a university student and enjoyed Iwa-Chan’s company. They had fun together. They loved each other. Oikawa had fucked up, he knew. They were happy together but apparently that was only Oikawa who was happy. Apparently Iwa-Chan hadn’t been happy with him and he had made it clear as Oikawa had found out. He hadn’t been expecting to find Iwa-Chan hammering Mattsukawa to the wall when he had gone over to Iwa-Chan’s house without calling ahead as a surprise.

Oikawa was too scared to see Iwa-Chan’s face again. Or Matsukawa. He was too scared to find the reason why he wasn’t enough for his beloved Iwa-Chan. Too scared to know how he had failed and too scared to mess it up again.

 ** _Fear leads to anxiety._**  
But what if Iwa-Chan hates him now? He probably did after all Oikawa said to him. They were happily in love but Oikawa had to mess it up without even hearing what Iwa-Chan had to say about it. He had to go ahead and tear down what was left of their relationship instead of trying to rebuild their trust like a good partner.

In the weeks leading up to the incident, their relationship had been off. It was more strained. More forced. The things they did in that time were more out of habit than out of love. In bed, it was more rough, with Iwa-Chan not caring much. There was less feeling. Oikawa should have picked up on it from then instead of trying to ignore it.

But now.. Iwa-Chan was gone. He had pushed him away.

 ** _Don’t know what’s inside of me._**  
What the hell was he thinking. He probably wasn’t even human to be able to think that Iwa-Chan didn’t care. If Iwa-Chan didn’t care, then who the fuck did? He was always there whether he liked to admit it out loud or not. He was always making sure that Oikawa was ok as far back as he could remember. What the hell was he made of? He thought he was smart, everyone told him he was smart, but he obviously wasn’t.

 ** _Don’t forget about me._**  
Don’t forget me Iwa-Chan. Please. You might move on, date someone else, continue hooking up with Mattsun, but please don’t forget me. You might hate me, never see me again, wish you had never met me, but please don’t forget about me.

 _ **Don’t forget about me.** _  
I’m thinking of committing suicide. So if I leave this world, will you remember me? Miss me? Think about me? Please.. just don’t forget about me. About all the things we did together. Don’t forget our moments together. Those endless nights where we would talk until our throats hurt. Those brunches in your bed while thinking about how we should spend the day. Evenings at my place while we talked about volleyball. Please don’t forget about me. Please don’t forget about _us._

 ** _Even when I doubt you._**  
I doubted you. I’m sorry. I was crazy. I lost my mind in the heat of the moment. But.. why didn’t I live up to your expectations? Why was Matssun better than me? Why.. why would you love him but not me?

 _ **I’m no good without you.** _  
Iwa-Chan, I’m nothing without you. If I’m not the one by your side, I can’t think of who I am. Previous Captain? Setter? Pretty boy? Volleyball star? Bullshit. I don’t want any of that if I can’t be with you. None of it is worth anything if it means I can’t be with you. Really, I’m no good without you.

 _ **Temperature is dropping.** _  
Oikawa stared at his wrist. Blood was dripping down on top of white scars on his already pale skin. He felt cold. The blade which was sitting on his palm was cold too. No, it was hot. Oikawa couldn’t tell anymore. He had lost most feeling. The long, endless cuts on his forearm gave no pain. Nothing could hurt compared to thinking about Iwa-Chan loving someone else.

The temperature is dropping now. Oikawa felt light. He knew why too. There was too much blood on the floor. Too much blood gone from his body. He laughed. What a pathetic person he was. Crying and cutting himself to literal death. His hitched voice echoed around his apartment and he leaned his head back against the wall, slowly letting his body slide further and further down the cold floor as it slipped further and further away from life.

That was the last thing he could remember seeing. His blood stained floor in his awfully messy room. And he smiled, knowing that at least he smiled in his last moments on earth.

**_end of Oikawa’s pov_ **

_**I’m not sure if I can ever see this stopping.** _  
Iwaizumi took a deep breath. Was this ever going to end? Oikawa. Oikawa Torū. Iwaizumi’s boyfriend. Wait no, that wasn’t right. Oikawa had left him, and for good reason. Iwaizumi felt like shit about it. It was.. easily the worst decision of his life. But now the only person he had found himself able to really and truly care for and love was gone. Stupid. Asshole. Hajime hoped that Oikawa could find someone who would treat him nicely and better than Iwaizumi had. He might have cared but he just had to always pretend not to. _Way to go and fuck it up Hajime._

He wanted to be called Oikawa’s boyfriend again. He wanted to be called ‘my ace’. He wanted to be able to call Oikawa ‘my setter’. He wanted Oikawa back. And the thought made his chest ache. The thought of what Oikawa might be doing right now made him unbearably sad. What would he be doing right now? Crying to himself? Calling and telling Hanamaki that Oikawa’s now ex was fucking his boyfriend?

Iwaizumi wanted this hell to end but knew that he deserved for it to go on and on. He knew what he deserved was coming for him and what he was going through now wasn’t even the worst to come. He would have to go through the pain of seeing Oikawa and whatever terrible shape he had brought himself to. His heart pulled at him, thinking about the possibilities of what Oikawa looked like now. He would have to call Mattsun. He deserved to go through all of that.

He couldn’t see the end. The light at the end of the tunnel? How could there be a light at the end of the tunnel if there was no Oikawa? Without Oikawa, there was no light. His smile brightened Iwaizumi’s world far more than the sun ever could. And soon, that smile will be for someone else. Oikawa would look at someone else with stars in his eyes and love on his lips. Soon, he would look at someone else and smile and sweetly insult them.

When was the pain going to end? Well, he didn’t deserve it to end..

 _Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts._  
His thoughts. They were twisted and dark. And as much as the reasonable side of him wanted to disagree, he still agreed.

 _ **You are all that I’ve got.** _  
_Oikawa, I’m so fucking sorry I don’t even know what to say anymore. I don’t deserve you and I never did. Someone as beautifully strong and intricately made, intelligent, sensible, pretty, skilled and perfect as you. And you were the only thing I liked in my life. In fact I loved you. You were my everything. You still are. You are all that I’ve got, really. But now I don’t have you. Heh. I've really fucked myself over. What the hell did I get myself into?? Oikawa, I’m so, so,_ so _sorry._

 _I want the markings made on my skin to mean something to me again._  
Iwaizumi pulled off his shirt and looked in the mirror. He had hickeys all over his neck and upper chest while his arms were covered in cut marks. Hajime chuckled lifelessly with no feeling. The only feeling was wishing there was more feeling, but we all know that’s not happening.

Why don’t these markings mean more? The hickeys used to be a daily reminder that Oikawa and he were in love and they never wanted to let each other go. Now they meant Iwaizumi is a total piece of shit and decided to hook up with Mattsun when he was only slightly mad at Oikawa and now they were a daily reminder that he had fucked up and was having sex with the wrong person.

The cut lines should’ve reminded him that he could feel pain. But they didn’t show that anymore. They didn’t show anything. He couldn’t feel the pain anymore so they represented nothing now. Just another imperfection on his body. Hajime knew that Oikawa had no such thing. His body had no inconsistencies and everything flowed beautifully. Unless..? No, Oikawa would never. He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t ever cut himself. Iwaizumi’s mind was killing him now.

 _ **Hope you haven’t left without me.** _  
It was stupid to hope but Iwaizumi did it anyway. He hoped Oikawa wasn’t gone even though he was. 

Don’t forget about me.  
Even when I doubt you.  
I’m no good without you.

* * *

Iwaizumi picked himself up and dug out a clean shirt from his laundry. Slipping it on, he locked his apartment and left. It was cold out according to the weather report but Iwaizumi couldn’t feel it even though he was only in a T-shirt and sweat pants. It probably was cold and he just couldn’t feel it. He sped up his walking pace and headed down the street to the train station. He hopped on the one needed without thinking about it because it was a habit at this point. The train ran along and Iwaizumi watched the familiar scenery. It was boring now. The whole world was a boring, grey place without Oikawa.

The train started slowing down and Hajime held on tightly to the pole, stopping himself from swaying as far as other people. When the train finally came to a full stop, Iwaizumi was one of the first people off. He made his way out of the station and pulled out his spare keys to Oikawa’s place. He speed walked through the crowds and to the familiar building. Up the elevator, down the hall, turn the corner. He didn’t need to think about it anymore. The well used key slipped into the lock hole and Iwaizumi pushed open the door.

“O..Oikawa..?”

No response. Well that was of course expected. Iwa-Chan wished he had brought a sweater though. If it was cold outside, it was freezing in here. Where was the boy though? He walked over to the living room and found that it was in an absolute mess. He sighed.

“Oikawa? Oikawaaaa!”

He was almost yelling now.

“Oikawa!? OIKAWA.”

Maybe he was asleep? He walked over to his room and pushed open the door which wasn’t even fully closed.

...

He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t stand. All feeling came back to him. Oikawa. No... please don’t be Oikawa. He fell to his knees. That’s not Oikawa. Oikawa had beautiful fluffy hair. Oikawa had muscles, not this skin on bone - ness. No no no no.

“OIKAWA!? WHERE ARE YOU AND WHO IS THIS HERE!?”

No no no. He pushed the person up so he could see their face, not caring that his clothes were getting soaked in the pool of blood. He leaned him against the wall and- it was Oikawa.

“Fuckkkk. No.”

He pressed two fingers under his neck at the vital point and searched desperately for a pulse. Was he searching in the wrong spot? He felt along his neck but refused to believe that there was nothing. 

No no no no no no no no no.. NO. This wasn’t.. this _couldn’t_... be happening. Iwaizumi took Oikawa's hands and tried to feel there, but there was nothing...

“Oikawa.. why do you play these games? I know... you're not.. you're not _really_ dead.. you _can't_..”

His voice was soft and small. He could barely hear it himself. He couldn’t hear anything actually. He couldn’t hear the sounds of people walking and talking outside. The birds. The wind. Everything was put on mute.  
He no longer had the ability to hold himself up. He was mad. He wanted someone to blame. And he realised... the only person to blame was himself. He hugged Oikawa’s corpse close to him and felt how cold it was. Oikawa was always the colder of the two but never this cold...

“Oikawa..”

The beautiful name slipped off of his tongue by habit. He closed his eyes and rested his head in his chest. He didn’t care anymore. Fuck the world. The police, neighbors, anyone from anywhere in the world didn’t matter anymore.

“Oikawa, I love you.. why.. couldn't you just wait for me to tell you that once?”

That.. was he dead? No… Iwaizumi didn’t want to admit it. Was this body in front of him now just a body. What? Oikawa was… just a body? A _corpse?_ There was no more Oikawa Toru.. just a body of a decaying version of him…

There was no more Oikawa Toru in the world and instead, now there was this limp corpse. A corpse was now the closest thing to him.

“Whaa…” Iwaizumi held his hands out and saw little drops of water falling and realised that they were tears. When had he even started crying? The guilt in him was consuming him rapidly inside and out. Oikawa…

“Kussukawa! Stop joking.. you’re not just a body… you… you’re not some corpse now… Oikawa…”

Oikawa Toru was gone from this world. He was gone forever. How was that even possible? How could someone take the only beautiful thing in the world and cause to cease existing? How could they just switch off the sun. Get rid of the moon? Take out the flavour in life. The love. The world is nothing without Oikawa. How..? How could he be gone?

He was being pulled away from Oikawa by some strangers. The motherfuckers had no idea what they were doing. Oikawa.. he’s right there… can’t they save him? Couldn’t they bring him back? He knew they couldn’t but he couldn’t bring himself to admit it. How could he just be gone??

Suddenly his entire body was hot and cold at the same time. His head was aching and his arms and legs were numb. His face had released enough tears to fill a few hundred buckets probably and yet, he still couldn’t even remember when he had started crying. How could this have happened? How… why was this even possible?

How can Oikawa Toru be permanently gone from the world?

_*•.•.*.•_

Iwaizumi stared in the mirror at the mess he had become. The heavy bags under his red, stinging and puffy eyes. Hair that used to be well kept now flopped down uselessly, dry and full of tangles. His mouth was dry like his cracked lips which were bleeding from biting them too much. His body was so skinny, you could see his rib cage and his wrists looked like those of a child. His sweat pants which were the only things he was wearing hung down low thanks to all the weight he lost and were threatening to become too lose to stay there if he continued like this.

He laughed a harsh laugh at his pathetic self in the mirror.

“You fucked up Iwaizumi.”

He softly told his reflection. The funeral had been yesterday. Iwaizumi hadn’t gone. Nobody would’ve wanted him there anyways. If he could just spend another day with him. If he hadn’t messed up.

If only he hadn’t doubted Oikawa.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, credits to @Purple_Oreo , I do not take credit for this work, I merely posted it on their behalf.


End file.
